Dreams vs. Reality

There is a question which bothers me every once in a while - am I living in a dream world? I know this must sound a little cliché.

Am I fooled into believing I can achieve more than I really can? Are my hopes set too high? What if everything comes crashing down? What if?

For instance - I'd really want to build a cosy little mansion in the middle of the forest, away from the world, where nothing but a path wide enough for a vehicle to pass through leads to it. And there is where I shall live, and there is where I shall die. This may sound ridiculous to some, but to me, I'll definitely do this if I can afford it. And no, I haven't been reading too many story books. In fact, the nearest book I've ever been with these days is my Contract text book.

I know this dream would probably cost millions, maybe 10. Or 20. That sounds like a lot, but that also sounds pretty achievable to me. Which brings me back to my point - am I being realistic?

Normal people we see typically aim for a stable job and to get settled down with a family. I, however, want to live a fantasy life, one that can only be achieved by acquiring wealth. Given that it has been achieved, then what? Am I going to lock myself in and rot to death? Am I going to be Buddha v2.0 and meditate to come up with some strange preaching?

The sense of achievement will probably last me a few months. I'd probably start travelling, buying things I love, do stuff I've always wanted to do. But there's going to be a limit for everything, so what do I do then? Get married? To WHO?

But then again, those are only questions which I have to answer when the fact that I'm not living a dream is proven. What are the chances, you ask me? I'd give it a 1 in 5.

Until then, I'll be seeking answers to questions on how to prove that nothing is impossible and that dreams can come true.

Godamnit

Sometimes enough is enough. Why do parents blame every single thing on their kids? Or at least mine does.

If something goes missing or goes wrong, it automagically means that I somehow have something to do with it. The first question will NOT be, "Hey, have you seen this?" I will straightaway hear an unhappy tone saying, "Why are you so irresponsible?" followed by centuries of nagging.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE LAH, I WHERE GOT SO FREE GO AND TOUCH YOUR THINGS?!

Even if I successfully defend my innocence, a "you should know" nag will commence. If I should know everything then I would be GOD, wouldn't I? It's so impossible even GOD doesn't exist.

And if I defend some more, another self-pitying "oh-i'm-so-fucking-stressed-out" speech will start. YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STRESSED OUT, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EMOTIONALLY PROVOKE ME?!

So stressed out then talk about it, or try to solve your problem - not try to pick a quarrel with me. I have my worries too. Although they're not as serious, at least I know how to fucking CONTROL it.

This has been going on for so long I think MORE THAN HALF of my blog entries are rants about parents. I used to cry in my room when I get wrongfully blamed but not anymore. I defend myself now, and because of that, cold wars and heated debates start.

Godamnit, fuck my life.

It's All Your Fault

Parents have a good way of twisting words to make everything seem like your fault.

Recently, I had a conversation with my mum, and it went like this:

Mum: The lizards in our house always come out of no where and frighten me!
Me: There seems to be a lot of lizards in our house.
Mum: That's because you like to sleep with the lights on at night, and insects like lights. So when you do that, the insects will fly into our house. And lizards like insects, so when you do that, lizards will come into our house and breed. That's why.
Me: ...

~ Angelina

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Unappreciated

So I've done a lot for you. And what do I get? Five seconds of "wow-what-a-good-job-thank-you-very-much"? Well, that ain't enough for me. And that's not because I'm demanding. In fact, if you do a survey, I'd probably be one of the least demanding daughters in the world (extremely poor countries aside).

I don't drag you into clothing stores just because I saw a shirt I wanted. At most I would give it a longing look, sigh a little in my heart and walk on. My allowances are all spent STRICTLY on food and petrol only, even though you did not put a control on me. I drive to and from college ONLY, I don't stop by a mall, or a friend's house. I don't really go out with friends, and I don't date. I finish all my homework on time. And even though I complain a little, I still study for all my exams and - not to boast, but - I'm one of the best among my friends and the whole intake. Heck, I don't even sms/call anyone unless there is an emergency or a question I need to resolve. I have more than RM200 credit left in my phone to prove that point.

I don't even behave like other girls would - I don't go for facials, I don't buy makeup, I don't go for manicures/pedicures, I don't even paint my nails myself. I've never asked to perm my hair or go for a "rebonding" treatment. Plus, I've never went for tuition classes in my life before. Because 1) I don't need to, and 2) you wouldn't let me. My "maintenance" cost, I would say, is considerably lower than what it would have been for other children/teenagers.

I know you too have done a lot for me, and I appreciate that. I really do. But I feel as though that feeling is not mutual. Every time I give you a hug, you ask me not to disturb you. I think that you take me as a nuisance at your side, for what reason I do not know.

I feel that the only time you ever approach me is when you need help. And when I don't feel like it, you'd go on and on about how I never helped you in your work and demand a lot. And you'd tell me off for complaining. In the end, I'd end up doing your job for you. And even then, I'd do it with much care and concentration, not some quality-lacked work even though I really don't want to do it.

Speaking of demand, the only thing I asked for this year was a mobile phone. Even that was not my request - you offered to buy me one, reason being my 6-year-old phone couldn't stand a day without charging. I don't ask for new phones every year just to "keep up with the trend". I don't take my phone out and flash it to my friends to make them gape in awe. I use it for its main purpose only - phone calls and smses.

No, I'm not the kind of person who wants to live a simple village life and rear chickens. I do have things I really want, and my wishlist is long and expensive. The point is - I don't ask for them. Well, part of the reason is due to the fact that I know you wouldn't buy them for me, not even on my birthday. I might be wrong though, cause I've never tried. If I ever do, chances are my guess would be correct.

I would say that both you and I are misers. It's okay to save on money, but why are you so stingy with your gratefulness and love?

No Real Talent

Although I've been taking piano lessons since I was five (on and off), I feel I have no real talent. In other words, I'm just another trained pianist.

Recently, I've been watching videos of people playing the piano on Youtube, later trying to play the same song. I found that when I play the piano, even with the exact same song, it always sound far worse than those I've seen on the videos. I guess my playing just doesn't have the "oomph" in it. As in emotion.

I'm emotionless. Oh noes.

Anyway, I tried to "feel" the music when I play. Bad choice. I screwed up at 384973943 parts of the song, because I'm just pure bad at multi-tasking. I couldn't concentrate on both the physical and emotional aspect of piano-playing.

I totally need a new hobby.

~ Angelina

And I Thought I'd Never Be Random

It's strange how dreams change, and how an I, once an aspiring scientist, switched my goals towards becoming a criminal psychologist to the current solicitor. Actually the last one was somewhat my mum's choice.

Anyway...

Many years ago, before the Malaysian education system ruined my ambition, my dream was to actually genetically combine traits from various animals and come out with an entirely new species.

And I suddenly lost the motivation to continue this post. I think I'm suffering from A.D.D.. I can't friggin' concentrate in class because while my lecturer is talking about the Human Rights Act, my head is in South Africa watching a "live" wildlife documentary.

Hmm, you know, I really want to go to the U.K. because I think it'll be really fun.
I also want to get a pet chicken again.

I THINK I'VE LOST IT!!!

~ Angelina