My Life Will Go On

I wish I had a remote control of life, rewinding to the past, repeating the special moments of life over and over again. Well, this is life. Magic doesn't exist, you can't change your life with a snap of your finger.

Good or bad, life still goes on. At least there's an increase of stuff in school to keep me occupied, meaning lesser time for sadness. Still, I can't deny that I'm still heartbroken of what had happened. Tears are getting lesser by the days, though disappointment still lies. It's weird why this has to happen, the weirdest reason I've ever heard. But then again, I'm the weird one. My fault for being weird, but I can't help it. It's how life shaped me.

All I can do is fake smiles and laughter, pretending that everything is fine, till it really is. Grass grows everywhere, why do you have to choose this one? A friend said. Answer is, I don't know, I just did.

Decided to torture myself more by continuing my Chinese classes. Took part in the Chinese essay writing competition (by force), some other random competitions, and loads of other stuff. Best is to keep myself occupied, forgetting about the life of my own.

Hello, my fictitious life.

~ Angelina

Bitter Sweet

Sweet is becoming bitter, salty is becoming bitter, sour is becoming bitter. I lost my sense of taste. I lost my sense of smell. I lost my sense of direction. All my senses are failing me. I am lost.

I can't think straight, I can't think ahead. My concentration is scattered. Chemistry, Physics, Biology. All has turned into Confusology. I don't understand a thing. All I can do is let my mind drift to another world, another place.

If I'm not good in studies, will things be different? If I have the freedom, will things change? I feel so rejected. I'm different, weird, immature, and unsociable. Yea, that's what I am. That's what that caused me to be so miserable. That's why all these happened.

Nevermind, I understand. I'm too different. In fact I'm weird. That's why I'm a social reject. Should I just fail my subjects to make myself more acceptable? I don't understand. I still don't get it. I don't understand the human mind.

Confused.

~ Angelina

Miserable

Everytime I thought I'm gonna be happy, something reaaaally bad must happen. It's like every smile and every laughter has to be traded with a tear. If only I'm mentally retarded,... See all those people in Tanjung Rambutan all smiling and laughing the whole day, so happy, and don't even know what is sadness. How good is that...

I really don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, *sigh* no where I can express how I feel. Why must all these happen to me? Life just isn't fair. I would trade everything just for happiness. I feel like throwing up almost everyday because of sadness, and I'm feeling that again. It's really eating me up from the inside.

Maybe I'm born into this world to suffer. IS THAT ALL YOU CAN DO, GOD? Make me suffer more, come on... Suck all the happiness in me, go on. I've swallowed every single drop of sadness You fed me for 16 years. As if my relatives aren't torturing me enough, YOU take my father. Then You make my mum neglect me throughout my primary life so my results deteriorate. Then You just take all my happiness away throughout my secondary life for no reason. Damn you.

I really don't know how to continue with this post anymore, just sad. So sad.

[ Status ] Suicidal

~ Angelina

The School Clerk

I could not find my Watikah Pengawas (Prefect Certificate thingy) yesterday morning, so I had to bring it to school today to get it photostatted. As expected, the bookshop's photostat machine wasn't working, so I was forced to head to the pejabat (office) instead, as suggested by the teacher in-charged. Jolene and Jillian warned me that the kerani (clerk) is very cranky but I don't have other alternatives, so I decided that I would beg her even if I have to (so desperate meh? @@).

Anyway, Jillian accompanied me to the office and I walked in.

(The text below has been translated to English. Original text is in Malay.)

Me: Hey, was just wondering if you can help me to photostat this certificate thingy?
Kerani: *stares*
Me: Err, I need to submit it to PPD (District Education Office) by today.
Kerani: Then why didn't you do that yesterday? Last minute, huh?
Me: *Thinks of an excuse* Err, the bookshop's photostat machine wasn't working yesterday too.
Kerani: Then why didn't you do it when you reached home?
Me: *Thinks of another excuse* Err, I did ask my mum to help but when she reached her office, the photostat machine was out of order too.
Kerani: You should know that students are not allowed to photostat anything in the office. It's the rule.
Me: Uhm, I have money. *pats pocket*
Kerani: I know you have money, but the thing is tha-, what did you say you want to photostat again? Hand it to me.
Me: Here, this certificate. *hands it over*
Kerani: *Walks over to photostat machine* You can pay now.
Me: *Hands money over* Thank you very much!

O.o *speechless* Oh well, guess money does shut some mouths xD Psst, she even smiled =O

~ Angelina

Silence is Golden

Argh, my mum NEVER listens, she just NEVER will!!! SILENCE IS GOLDEN - such a famous phrase! How can she NOT learn from that? When someone is EXPRESSING, she expresses HER thoughts MORE than she listens! And how do you suppose you can understand someone if you don't give that person a chance to speak their minds?

And she always say, "Don't deny mistakes you did, change instead." YEAH RIGHT. If I were to tell her HER mistakes, she would say that it's the way she's brought up that made her this way -blablabla-. So if I said I wasn't brought up well, she would say she brought me up that way but I just wouldn't listen? She just didn't bring me up the way she liked. Blame herself for it. Cut the nagging.

Another thing she always say is, "Change is very important." Uh, when will she REALIZE that she needs to CHANGE? Nagging, to teenagers, is just like a mosquito flying around our ears. Annoying but it doesn't affect us and we just had to wave it away!

Anyway, I "wrote" a book out of frustration -_- Check it out:


Feeling better a little. I always do after doing some art -.-" I'm weird, I know.

~ Angelina

What is WRONG with her?

It's my mum i'm talking about. Damn, everytime I try to express my feelings, she will make a freaking assumption on what is happening to me and nags me because of what she thinks is happening. DAMN IT. There's like no one I can talk to.

Was just telling her that I wasn't feeling well but I don't know what caused it, she freaking said, "Surely yesterday and today you didn't eat a proper meal I know if I went out early you won't eat a proper meal you know a proper meal is very important so if you skip a meal especially for two days in a row you sure will feel not well how many times have I told you no matter what you must eat a prop-" .. BLA BLA BLA. And yes, without punctuations. And it's NOT BECAUSE OF THAT DAMNIT. If it WAS about meals I would have gastric, wouldn't I? AND I FEEL FEVERISH FOR GOD'S SAKE. Don't HAVE to tell her that or she'll start a whole new version about me not drinking enough water. AND I DID BY THE WAY. I know it.

Damn sick of all these. Can't she SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR ONCE? Not trying to be disrespectful but that's the freaking truth. Listening is more important than TALKING when you don't even know the truth, RIGHT? So fucking pissed off.

~ Angelina

A test?

Feeling a little better today, thanks to someone =) Hehe..

Anywayz!~ I made a test I found on my schoolmate's, James's blog. Thought it was fun, lol.

Going Insane

I think I am going insane =.=" This time the sadness and anger in me is so strong that it makes me feel like throwing up. It's like eating me up from the inside. And it's like nothing can cure it. I don't have the mood to do anything but just stare blankly into space. I feel angry everytime I do anything, even taking up the romote control, picking up my book, or even walking upstairs for a shower. The anger in me will never leave.

Oh and guess what I dreamt of when I was taking a nap this afternoon? I dreamt of the ghosts of my dead relatives. They were semi-transparent and were looking at me full of hatred, and I could even feel the anger in the atmosphere. Woke up with my heart pumping harder than ever (I wasn't even afraid), blood rushing through my every vein at top speed. Okay, maybe it isn't the dream, maybe it was the throbbing pain in my head, getting worse by the days.

I really don't know what's happening to me. Stress? Nah... Exams are over and it's a school holiday. Worry? Lol? Nothing for me to worry about. Loneliness? Hmm, maybe it is a little lonely here alone at home but I don't think it will cause all these -_- Asked myself loads of questions without an answer to what's happening to me.

Dying soon =.="

~ Angelina

Nevermind.

Nevermind about helping already, the only thing I could say - mou tak gao liao. I feel sad and angry always without ANY reason, have eating disorders (?-well that's what my mum said) -*Btw, I think i'm eating fine - -"*, getting headaches almost everyday, suddenly acting all weird and saying weird stuff etc.

Hmm, what kind of disorder is this? Lol.

So damn sad... So damn angry... So freaking pissed off with my life... Haihz =( Why is my life so miserable =.="

~ Angelina.

Expressions...

Almost a week since I blogged...

Just wanna express my feelings this time... Nothing else...

Damn I don't know what the hell happened to me recently, I have became so sensitive that I can't control my tears even over the smallest matter. ZZZZZzzzzzzzz.........

My mum criticized my on my rude-ness - I cried.
I read about some miracle on the papers - I cried.
A sudden thought of my father - I cried.
I say stuff i'm not supposed to say, act like how i'm not supposed to act - I cried.

You can call me a cry baby or whatever,... I seriously don't know what the hell is up with me -_- Jeez... Argh tears wanna flow again. I'm like acting weird all the time, until my mum questioned me of what had happened =.= The answer is - NOTHING!

Diaozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... I hate myself for making my OWN life so miserable. Sometimes I wanna just die off so that all these weird stuffs can stop happening to me. Ergh -.-

Please leave a comment and HELP me T_T Thankz...

~ Angelina.

Expectations

Not talking about my expectations here, talking about my mum's. I wonder why parents like to say, "See your friend, they are so *insert a good adjective here*, why can't you be like him/her?" Maybe I should say, "I should be asking you why can't you be like his/her mother, so you can bring me up like him/her." Weeeee.. Counter-attacks are fun =D Gonna try that the next time she nags on me with this question xD

Sigh, why can't they just accept me as I am, why must others always be better than me? The THING about parents is, they only take the good points of others to compare with the bad points of us. Why can't they take the bad points of others and give us a lil praise? =D I mean, nobody is perfect, right? If I were to have only all the good points, i'm God.

If life is a game, my mum would probably say, "Aiya, add wrong stats." Haha, but too bad, there ain't any stats reset coupon for sale anywhere. This gives me another thought, realise that most geniuses have shorter lives than other people? Their parents added pure INT for them, HP too low, LOL.

Hey, this is getting fun. Let's analyse students using the concept of the virtual worlds:

Good students (not geniuses):
- High INT
- Fair amount of HP
- High AGI (for fast thinking)
- 0 DEF (mages don't need defence, they got the INT, can counter attacks xD)

Average students:
- Fair amount of INT
- Fair amount of HP
- Fair amount of AGI
- Fair amount of DEF
(Lol, that's why call you call them average =D)

Bad students (academically):
- Low amount of INT
- High amount of HP (no worries live longer =X)
- Low amount of AGI
- High amount of DEF (no INT must use all sorts of lame alasans to defend their wrong doings, lol)

See!! They're related!! Now who says you learn nothin' about life while playing games? xD

Hmm, guess this is all for today, having a really bad headache here ><

[ Headache ] -21HP

Ouch.

~ Angelina x3

I Want My Father

Everytime my mum tells me about my father, my biological father, I have to control my tears from flowing. Although I have totally no memory of him, but from what I hear from my mum, I know that he is the best father in the world. Why did he have to leave me when I was only 2? Why did he have to die? Fuck cancer. Just fuck it.

I really hope that he can be here with me till today. Maybe I will be a better person. One thing I like about him is that he reads alot, meaning he is a very interesting person to talk to. My mum still carries his words of wisdom till today, maybe that is what helped her to be successful too.

How I wish he was beside me when I recieved my PMR results. How happy he will be. Now he would never know. Why do I always have to be so different? Why can't I have a father like everybody else... Why?

Sigh.. I miss him so much =(

Sad.

~ Angelina =(